"i kissed a girl and i liked it..."

i'm so becoming a lesbian.

5.30.2008
dreams
my dreams have been intensely vivid lately. meaningful, maybe only because i wonder about them long after i have woken up. i have dreamt about millions of brightly colored envelopes and putting on piles of makeup and swimming in the ocean in the rain. it all points towards ideas that i am feeling a loss of commmunication, and i need to increase a my sense of self back to the way it was before everything became a volcano in the middle of my otherwise tepid life.

somehow wearing the ring he gave me quiets me down.




5.19.2008
everybody needs somebody.

i woke up from a dream, and my phone rang. i am so glad i have a best friend who is on LA time. "it's hard," he said, "being so far away." i know, and that is what makes the mornings so lonely.

waking up in a city full of people, waking up in the middle of the night in a 24 hour place, and i still feel like i am the only one breathing at that hour.

"you need someone," he said. it's true.

फर्स्ट एंड लास्ट

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS:

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: karebear and bridgie

FIRST SCHOOL: oakton preschool

FIRST CELL PHONE: silver motorola my junior year of college


FIRST FUNERAL: maybe katie's...

FIRST PET: bubbles my goldfish

FIRST BIG TRIP: disneyworld!

FIRST FIGHT: probably with grace haha


FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: billie joe from green day

FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: thanksgiving in mexico with toshi!

FIRST JOB: babysitting, and waitressing

FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: tom lol


EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: hmmm. probably josh when he was drunk at sleazy's haha

LAST CAR RIDE: this morning - mom grace and i went out for breakfast

LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: every morning

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: i heart huckabees

LAST FOOD YOU ATE: eggs benedict, sooo yummy

LAST ITEM BOUGHT: peacock earrings and a white tanktop

LAST SHIRT WORN: my pink "i <3 padthai" pj top that i ran out of the house in this morning :)

LAST PHONE CALL: dragon

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: "i miss you baby" from dragon

LAST KISS: dragon, the other weekend - it seems so much longer ago than that!

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: tucking my hair behind my ears

LAST FUNERAL: vito's

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: yesterday - we got aveda stuff yay

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: i'm excited to go to LA!

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: my mom is on the computer next to mine

LAST THING YOU DRANK: earl grey tea

LAST PERSON THAT BROKE YOUR HEART: *sigh*

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY?: when i was in kansas

i want him back.

i want to belong, to wake up next to him.

my heart cannot be alone.

*sigh*

i miss everything about him being in chicago